Effort and Effective Communication

Today’s topic is the Virtue of Effort and how it applies to communication. We are talking about the distinction between saying what you mean and meaning what you say. We are not saying that one is superior to the other; we are just going to examine those concepts and unpack them a little.

“Saying what you mean” and “meaning what you say” are not the same thing. The difference lies in the directness of the language used to convey the message. Consider how some people will talk around a subject without naming and addressing the subject itself. They may mean everything they are saying, but they are not really saying what they mean. What they mean is being hidden in subtlety and euphemism. For example, somebody can say something about the fact that alcohol can lead to liver damage, when what they really mean is: “Al, you are an alcoholic and I am worried about you.” They may mean what they are saying about the dangers of over-consumption, but what they really mean, underneath that, is unsaid. In the novel Dolores Claiborne by Stephen King, Delores describes an argument with her husband as being about “money on top, booze underneath” and this is common for an argumentative communication style. For another example, in my professional life, I often have to talk around a sensitive topic and break bad news as gently as I can.

Useful, effective interpersonal discourse requires a certain degree of adaptability. The most important factor is whether or not the message you are trying to convey is received and assimilated. Sometimes it is better to talk around a subject than to state something directly and baldly, and sometimes it is best just to say exactly what you mean. It is vital to know your audience and phrase things in a way that they will be received well whenever possible. Some people do not understand nuance and need things to be stated clearly, and some people are very sensitive and will flinch from directness. When you do not know enough about who you are addressing, it is usually best to be as clear as possible. There are situations where you have to learn through trial and error how to effectively communicate with another person. All of this takes a great deal of mental Effort, of course, but it also requires Patience, Balancce, and Mindfulness, but it is worth it to become a more effective communicator. Some people will never even attempt to adjust their communication style, priding themselves on their “brutal honesty.” All that means is that they refuse to take the audience into consideration when delivering a message, and they do not care how it is taken, or even if it hurts the person they are talking to. In those cases, the message gets lost and any follow-up falls on deaf ears. It is not a good way to get your point across. On the other end of the spectrum, you have people who never express anything directly, leading to misunderstandings that are never as funny in real life as they are in sitcoms.

There are few hard-and-fast rules when it comes to interpersonal discourse, but an effective communicator is adaptable and can read their audience to ensure their message is being received. Do you have a preference for one communication style over the other? Have you had to switch between direct and indirect language during the course of a conversation?